My First Love

We were friends. We met in the season of our lives when it’s a fertile ground for a relationship to grow. Both vulnerable to changing times. I am new in the place and on my own. She offered a helping hand and I became a friend to her – an “unnie”. (Unnie is like “elder sister”  or “elder close girl friend” in the Korean language) It was not “love at first sight” but whatever happened to me and to her, sure did drop our defenses. It is not drunkenness or blind resort to be with each other. It was a tug of will and feeling and all other philosophies in life combined. Was it mere luck that in this point in time we met? Should circumstance change, will this feeling change? Will love fade away?

I do not wish to declare this, but when it comes to her, I am poor with my words. I feel like every vocabulary that I have in all the languages I know, is not enough to put a proper description of what she is like and why exactly I like her. She has thick black hair. Her brown beautiful eyes smiles. Her stature is demure. She sits silently while her mom was talking to me. They welcomed me to the neighborhood. I just know at that time that she can be someone I can trust and respect. Maybe she will be a good friend – such a relief for an alien such as I.

One day she came knocking my door. She cried. It appears that we will be housemates for the meantime, she just moved out from her family’s house. At that time, I never understood her misery but I just wanted to know, listen, and be there for her. She was so fragile – so vulnerable, but strong. She kept apologizing for being a disturbance. Deep inside, I was so happy to be of some help to her. I really did not understand what I was feeling in those first few weeks of her stay in the apartment. Even in the first few months. All I know was that almost every night, she was in my dreams. My heart flutters when I see her got out of the bathroom and her scent lingers. Every time I woke up, my reflexes would immediately check outside her bedroom if her slippers were still there. If not, then maybe she already left somewhere. We were both tenants, and she has her own life. So I preferred to not ask her where she’s going or her whereabouts.  Sometimes, I went to check the garage and check if her car was still there. Weeks went by, became months, I still found myself doing the same routine. And every time I saw the slippers outside the door, and the car in the garage, I found myself smiling – relieved. She’s still around. Maybe she’s still asleep, I would think sometimes. Is she already awake? Should I go check? Should we buy some pizza? Maybe we can drive around? Maybe we can watch Korean Drama together? Hmm…

We started doing a lot of things together. I figured that we are so different from each other. She is not that innocent after all. She loves my after-work-smell. I love her after shower smell. Then I became her clingy best friend. She also said she’s generally clingy too. We hug. We hold hands. We were best friends. We talk about her crush who became her boyfriend for three hours – which totally broke my heart. I just did not know what to feel. But to be a good friend, I was a listening to her, holding her hands. Our conversations would last for hours and hours.

I just knew, and I cannot pinpoint exactly where it starts, but I know I love her. It wasn’t easy. Fear crept in. We are both girls. This can’t be. Then I learned she loves me too.

Weeks went by and we both struggled on how to reconcile our feelings with our beliefs and God’s Lordship over our lives. Finally, we both came to conclusion after some study that love is love and for all we know, a love that bears the fruit of the Holy Spirit and seeks no harm is not condemned by God.

My love. My Now in every now of my life. It was not magic but every moment with her is like a magical gift from God. Every moment shared became a piece of forever but at the same time, those small moments became forever itself.  Our love grew in our freedom when our love was still a secret. Then one day, we decide, we cannot forever be living in secret. Slowly, we revealed it to our parents. Naturally, both sides were against it. But what can you say, the path towards your destiny is always the steepest rock.

The ones fertile ground for our love to flourish became a dry land. And circumstance changed. The place where our love started, our little home, deserted. The small town we have come to love, abandoned. We parted ways – opposite directions. Eleven hours apart.So was it really just circumstantial that we came to love each other?

No. Whether you call it fate, destiny, soul mate, forever, red string, the other half – all I can say is that she is that person to me. Love did not fade away. She did not fade away. I do not know what the future will bring, but I know that I will always be thanking God for all the joys and pain, all the ups and downs that I have shared with her. – and will continue to. XXX

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